After six difficult years, I am trying to rebuild my life. It began in 2002, when I had a malignant spinal tumor and paraplegia. It was diagnosed as a rare bone cancer called Chordoma. It affects about 1 in 2,000,000 in our country so I try to believe this was life's way of telling me I am special but it has been a long road. While the doctors said I would never walk again, I worked really hard and got movement back in my feet and strengthened my legs - I learned to walk again.

I returned to work after a long medical leave but then a series of things happened. My Dad got sick and he was finally diagnosed with cancer (stage 4). I tried to help my Mom take care of Dad but he died in 2005 (his funeral was on my birthday). I have had three major surgeries since my diagnosis and been dealing with complications. On my last medical leave, I lost my job (income, benefits, independence and my identity which was closed to tied to the long career I'd had). I've seen a lot of loss (with the death of other family members, a few friends and even my beloved dogs). My Mom isn't well but she keeps a roof over my head and I am in the appeals process in trying to get disability benefits. My health is worse than ever and I can't afford medical care or medications (through I am not waiting on information from the Partnership for Prescription Assistance).

I've lost nearly everything I have and I don't have good health but the worst part is how I now feel about myself. I used to be this really strong, independent person who could take care of herself and others; suddenly, I'm someone I don't understand. I try to not feel like a failure and remember that I overcame physical paralysis and understand that I have been paralyzed in a different way since the loss of my job. Some days I feel like I've failed since I can no longer work. I'm losing my car which I know can be replaced but I realized that when I am in that car is the time I feel best and other than the car representing a symbol of my independence, I'm not sure why it helps me feel better. So I am trying to find the strength to fight this paralysis that is not physical and move forward. I'm trying to not feel like a burden on my Mom, she loves me unconditionally but I know she doesn't really have the resources to take care of me too. I think the one good thing of this place I am in and no longer being able to work though, is my Mom and this precious time I am able to spend with her. I have a lot of physical limitations and she has some too so we work together to be a whole person.

I'm dealing with more than I have ever dealt with and I am trying to fix my life. I know I can't go back to the person I was so I have to figure out who I can be. I have to figure out a lot of things and find my inner source of power that I know it there but it must be hiding. Thank you for listening to that much of my story.